I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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