Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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