Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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