I looked at my own cervix.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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