remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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