I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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