I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
