OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After last night, I could never be a politician.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize