She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
