I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
