Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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