The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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