Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
