Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
