did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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