When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
