First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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