I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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