getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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