yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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