Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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