She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
