i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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