theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
