just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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