she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
