Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
