3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
