FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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