In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
