he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
