i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
