I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
