her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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