he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
