Don't make out with my wife yet
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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