I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
