Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
