put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
