R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
