I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize