Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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