I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
