In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
