I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
