You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
