omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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