Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
