You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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