I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
