He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
