thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize