He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
