Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I want is dick and wine.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
