I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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