If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
