i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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