This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
barbara walters just said penis...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
