I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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