ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
