i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
