Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
