the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can I color on your dick again?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
