Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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