LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
